One: 11th Squad

Hisagi had been very quick to kick you out of the office and on to do some actual work! You had not liked the idea of meeting the great colossus of course but the journey to get to eleventh squad headquarters became much more harrowing then you had previously guessed was possible. The reckless cries of the insane squad members praising their captain, fighting each other over simplistic errors or simply screaming for the sake of screaming made entering the squad’s territory like stepping into one of the seven circles of hell!

In fact, the barbarous manner of the squad members, their leering eyes and outrageous appearances was more hellish then you could have guessed. All you needed to see were roaring fires and the cries of some poor fourth squad member who’d been called in to help with something and ended up strapped to a wheel to torture. Thinking over it you could not help yourself from smirking at the strange characters that were far too busy in their own depravities to notice you stepping through them.

Hisagi had initially allowed someone to accompany you on your journey, but they’d backed out and galloped off the moment they’d seen some of the squad members playing darts with a newbie holding the target! You made a mental note to yourself about putting that kind of news story in the paper – it would not really be unique but it might get some attention and at least it would be something for you and captain Zaraki to discuss.

You remembered that unfortunate moment you’d met Zaraki, the way he’d been snarling at everything within eyesight but had just strolled past you like a dark storm. There had been such a terrible power within him that you could have wept from the horror of it. However, you’d instead passed out and been laughed at by fourth squad for a little while. Even so you on remembering the tight-lipped expression of the mammoth captain you felt a curious twinge within your chest.

There was something very exciting about a bad boy type like him…

“Hold it there, who are you and what do you want?” The sudden appearance of a squad member actually on guard duty was astounding and took you by surprise. For a moment you appeared as baffled and spaced out as Hanataro. You looked at the guard, rotund yet muscular with a fat face, small piggy eyes, hair bunched up in knots on his head like coral structures and an expression of pure menace. It was only when you felt his eyes slip downward that his mood suddenly changed. “Well-well my dear, are you an angel and this my lucky day so that you fell out of the sky just to meet me?”

In your head a whistle was being blown as you finally understood Hisagi’s curious assurances. Sure, now you knew why he’d advised you to wear a plunge bra and your tightest shihakshou it didn’t seem so creepy. Yet at the same time it was still very creepy and now you’re guarantee to get to the captain felt utterly insane! Surely the suggestion of using your breasts to keep the squad members calm was some kind of sexual harassment thing? Still, beggars couldn’t be choosers and you put on your most ‘bimbo-like’ voice possible and pouted as if you’d had lessons with Rangiku.

“Awe, you’re so charming! Actually I was sent here to give Captain Zaraki his back massage under Captain Unohana’s direction. But if I can’t get to the captain I’m sure a tough warrior like you could use such attention.” You winked playfully and once again understood the other disguise. Captain Unohana had recently started insisting that Captain Zaraki have relaxing massages to help him unwind and give his body some TLC, so Hisagi had sent you to Unohana to learn all you needed to know about the process. Actually, Captain Unohana had been very pleased about it and given you a special ‘temporary 4th division” badge to sit on your own ninth division one.

It meant that for the sake of this report you were going under cover and actually had to give the monster the full works. It was no big deal to be undercover, but you had no idea if it was worth it.

“Ah… you truly are an angel. The Captain’s had terrible stiffness in his sacral region and could use a good pounding by your delicate and obviously skilled hands.” The guard seemed to be trying to charm you as he gripped your hands tenderly and you blushed a little. So, he was buying it… but wait, sacral? Didn’t that mean his backside?

“Such a noble man you are to give such forethought to your captain’s needs. Please, take me to your leader.” You tried not to sniffer at that phrase or the idea that Zaraki’s backside needed pounding! You tried to keep your face straight as you followed the guard toward the great barracks that looked in a permanent state of disrepair. The truth was in fact the opposite, so much damage was caused there was a permanent group of contractors living on site to do emergency repair work. But as you strolled behind the guard you swiftly pressed a button to record the sounds, which was hidden down the side of your bra.

Stepping inside you were announced only to have to state your name rather sheepishly. Sitting with his back to you was the mountain of chaos himself. He was wearing a large, thing black robe that had obviously just been slung on without a care. His hair was spiked up as usually and he seemed to ignore the words. However a pink haired gremlin at his side made a curious statement about you that made him turn. The one uncovered eye seemed to pin you to the spot with such rage that you nearly fainted again at the rage and confusion that came from his words as they reached out to practically slap you in the face!

“Who the hell are you?”